Something Blue

Recently I mentioned to my mom and Grandma that I'd love for my "something blue" to be related to my Grandpa Howard who passed away fairly unexpectedly almost a year ago. With my great fortune and blessing, Grandpa Howard was the first of my grandparents to leave us, so his passing was a new sense of loss for myself and my family that we had not yet had to experience.

My vision was to have fabric from one of my Grandpa's shirts sewn into the inside of my dress so that he'd be right there with us during the ceremony and then dancing the night away in celebration. That man loved to dance! At my cousin's wedding, just a short 6 months before he passed, we had the pleasure of seeing his moves and let me tell you, the man was on fire! He danced ALL NIGHT LONG. I've never seen his smile so bright and carefree in all of my 33 years, so I knew at my wedding, I'd want him to be on that dance floor in spirit!

Last night, out of the blue, I came home from a long day at work to find a small but thick envelope from my mom. Not knowing what it could possibly be, I opened the small card to a note that said "Your something blue" and inside was a piece of Grandpa's blue shirt cut into the shape of a heart ready for my big day. My heart sank and melted all at the same time.

For the next 20 minutes I sat on the kitchen floor and cried into that blue heart. I cried for his loss and ours. I cried for my Grandma who gave up the shirt of her best friend so that it could be his presence on the day their granddaughter would get married. I cried over the memories of our last few days with him and how blessed I feel for being there for those precious days and nights. I cried that I never got to tell him that I was going to get to marry my best friend after 15 years, and I cried that he won't be there to see it in body. And lastly I cried happy tears that his body is at rest and he doesn't have to struggle with any illness or anxiety anymore.

And when it was time to stop crying, I smiled knowing that we're going to have a really big dance party in a few months and he'll be right there with us in his element, smiling ear to ear in our hearts.

I never knew my "something blue" could mean so much.

Crazy Dayz

True confession, I'm a burn the candle at both ends kind of girl. Always have been and I hope I always will be one. I want to make the most of my life and if that requires some candle burning, bring it on. However, with all of that being said, I'm starting to feel as though I'm burning about 25 candles at both ends right now and I think it's catching up to me more than I like to admit.

With my very exciting wedding plans upon me, of which I am not complaining about at all because I am in love with figuring out every detail, my mind is constantly in overload mode. And when you add in my full time career where I'm co-hosting a conference for a few hundred invitees, coaching college cheerleading part-time, and now chairing and planning a community event for 250 local teens, I'm afraid I'm starting to come undone.

I'm tempted daily to schedule reminders to breathe, eat, sleep through the night without waking up in a panic over prom dresses or managing entertainment for a 200 person volunteer dinner, etc... And aside from forgetting to breathe about 15 times a day, I'm starting to feel like there is a lunatic trapped in my small frame. Things are starting to come out of my mouth that I haven't approved yet mentally. Things that sound ungrateful and often times negative, which are in no part a reflection of how I'm truly feeling. I also slightly fear a meltdown in the near future, and I'm praying that I can get in front of it before it unravels its ugly self.

For a planner and candle burner like me, crazy can be a great thing when harnessed. I just need to contain and redirect the crazy a little better into thankfulness for all of the recent events and blessings that the Lord has entrusted to me. And I'm convinced the Lord must think that I am an amazing multi-tasker to allow me the responsibility of said events. With prayer, sleep and a lot of scheduled deep breaths, I'm sure we'll have amazing success for those we'll get to reach and serve.

I'm just praying to turn the crazies to thanks, and in the meantime, if you see or hear any abnormal behavior or feisty behavior out of me, please kindly shake me, slap my cheek and tell me to "get it together". Then please follow with a hug because you never want to end with a slap when dealing with a lunatic;)

A Bride to Be

I'm back after months of silence and zero time to write and zero time to be creative. Do I have much more time on my hands now? Umm, that'd be a resounding no. Do I need a creative outlet before my head explodes? And the angels all sang in unison, YYYYEESSSS!

For 32 years (okay, maybe more like 20), I've dreamt of what my wedding would look like, sound like, taste like, and feel like. I've planned it a million times over in my head. I have actual word documents saved full of ideas and photos that I've found over the years, and after attending countless weddings, I've narrowed down what I like, don't like, love and loathe at weddings. So it would make sense that everything should now fall into place and be roses and fireworks and red velvet cupcakes, right? Again, not so much.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my upcoming wedding to my best friend and partner for the rest of my life. I could not be happier to start our journey together in June! I love thinking about it and I could talk your ear off about the details if you'd let me. What I don't love about planning this special day is the stress that comes along with it. I don't love the amount of money you are expected to pay to have everything you thought you always wanted only to find out that you cannot afford any of it. I hate that vendors can charge you 3 times what you'd normally pay simply because you've attached the word "wedding" to the conversation. Shouldn't our focus be on the celebration and not so much the purse strings? Can I not simply have a tasty reception without going broke before we start down the aisle?

My goal, somehow, is to keep my eyes and mind focused on the start of our marriage and not on the stress that can become the wedding if I let it. I am committed to enjoying this time and finding ways to have the day I've dreamed of without going into debt. I will be creative. I will be resourceful. And I will stay positive. I have found the one my heart loves and this day in June should be a reflection of that love and joy and not one of our wallets. It will. Or else;)

I Love Pandora Radio!

Thanks to the lovely selections Pandora has hand picked for me today, I now want to: touch the rains down in Africa, die in your arms tonight, take a stairway to heaven, look wonderful tonight, say what I need to say, wonder "what about love?", not wait til the water runs dry, take a breathe that's true, and to find the secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord.

Pandora, you rock, my friend. And in turn you make my work day rock!

3 Cheers for...

-Summer hours at work! What what!
-Eating outdoors before it gets way too hot and your make-up melts off of your face before dessert arrives.
-Loving your neighborhood and the fantastic people that come with it all.
-Neighbors that let you crash their pool. I respect generosity.
-Red Velvet ice cream from Ben and Jerry's! Double high-fives for you my men.
-My gym playlist on my iPod. Who knew "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" could be so motivating?!
-Actually enjoying the gym.
-Discvering wild raspberries and blackberries growing in my neighborhood. Those things ain't cheap in the store= score!
-"Rolling In The Deep" by Adele
-Headphones while working out in case the creepy man wants to try and talk your ear off.
-Birthday Fiestas
-Maxi dresses, rompers, and new flip flops!!
-Sunglasses
-The beach. D.U.H.
-Did I mention summer hours at work?!
-Feeling like blogging again:)

Rain, Rain Go Away

After about 4 days of non-stop rain and gloom, I'm thankful for the following things:
-My new fave boyfriend-style sweat pants from Victoria's Secret
-Haitian Coffee from Mom
-Movie night w/ Tracy
-Cozy blanket time with my lil Pig
-Whale covered rain boots
-No place to go, but my couch on a Saturday afternoon
-Listening to the rain while you sleep
-Fun Super Bowl plans to look forward to
-Making homemade soups for Sunday
-A big, fat excuse to be LAZY!!!

A Girl, A Gym, and A Mission

It's no surprise to many that I do not work out, nor do I do anything that slighting resembles working out. I do not hide it, but I am not proud of it either. Laziness is just so much more comfy to me than activity as it relates to weights, treadmills, etc... Watching TV at night is like changing into sweatpants after being in stuffy dress pants (aka, the gym) after a long day. And you better believe that I'll chose the sweatpants every single time. It's just who I am, sadly.

All of the above being said, I'm tired of always choosing the sweats. Seriously, I'm 32 and in good health and naturally slim (by the grace of God), but there is nothing tone about this chica, and that I can no longer live with. So, what to do about it? Put on my big girl pants and march myself to the gym. Which I did for the first time last night. Literally. I literally walked to the gym and back. Did you actually just hear the angels singing and the seas parting? I did.

When my roommate asked "do you want to just walk to the gym for our workout?" I almost laughed, shouted "are you nuts", and opened a bag of chips. But instead I said "okay". Ladies and gents, I WALKED to the gym. In the dark mind you. Then I worked out for about 30 min, and walked back. What, what! Bring it, folks who drove the gym!

Am I sore today? No. Does that scare me for what may hit tomorrow? Dear Lord, yes. But I survived and feel really great about myself. Granted I did trip in a hole, thanks to walking along the shoulder of a 1.5 mile road in the dark with cars flying by, and I also walked into a bush and caught my hand on a splinter bush, but I did it.

So here's to this girl, a gym, and a mission to tone and trade in the sweats. Or at least trade them in until after I work out after work. Let's not get all crazy here.

40 Day Blogging Challenge

After being way too slack with my posts, I've decided to take a 40 day blogging challenge to help get myself back into the habit of writing.

Here goes nothing!

Memorable Scenes

For Christmas I asked for the book A Millions Miles In A Thousand Years, which I so thankfully received. I love the author, Donald Miller, but honestly had no idea what the book was about until I cracked open the first page. To say that I love this book would be true, but to say I've been challenged and energized by this book would be a better statement. Million Miles is simply a book about creating and writing a story. It seems redundant to read a story about writing a story, but somehow he makes it work, and challenges me to not just write stories in my head, but to live them out loud. In real time.

Tonight's read was about how every great story has a memorable scene. The pivotal scene in a movie does not usually happen in a Starbucks, nor does it happen in some one's living room. It happens on a mountain top. Or at the foot of the ocean. As I read this my mind quickly started drifting to a few of my memorable scenes and I was suddenly right back there, in those places, in those moments, reliving greatness:

~On the ice in 1997, in a white and gold costume, landing my second double-double combination in front of friends and family, and feeling the realization that I would pass my senior freestyle, figure skating test before I officially hung up my skates for college. 13 years of training, early mornings, 6 days a week was worth it only 45 seconds into my program.
~Running across the sand with friends as we experienced Folly Beach for the first time. Leaving that same sand only 13 days later, I walked to the car knowing I had found my second home and that I would return. Little did I know I'd spend 13 years there and counting.
~Falling head first out of an airplane after one of my best friends lost her boyfriend so that she could release his ashes from 13,000 feet. Seeing the earth below me once my shoot opened, and gliding across the sky in complete and utter silence would give me the courage and knowledge that I could do anything if given the opportunity and the will. We are greater than our fears.
~Driving away from a church, on a dirt road in Nicaragua, after saying goodbye at the first clinic I had ever served in, knowing I would never see the faces again that I had just fallen in love with. Painful and beautiful all at the same time.
~Riding a jet-ski off of the Gulf of Mexico out into literally the deep blue sea until land was just a speck. Having the guide dive down and bring up a starfish for me to hold was like someone bringing up a handful of gold.

I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that I don't plan on waiting around in coffee shops and my living room for greatness to take place. Mountain tops, oceans, and dirt roads, here I come.

What I Learned In My 31st Year.

Your thirties are still better than your 20's. Anything is possible. Curve balls multiply. The more you can handle, the more people throw your way. Change is inevitable, unless it pertains my trusty nokia flip phone from 2002. I do not want an iPhone. I am the ONLY person who does not want an iPhone. I like apple Saki, who knew? Africa is not in my future for 2011 as I planned in 2010. Nicaragua is still very present, and Africa will wait until the Lord calls me there Himself. Fear can have the biggest foothold in your life. Risks are scary. Not taking risks is just as scary. Love hurts. Sandra Bullock rocks. I can handle living with 3 girls and 6 animals for one week in my humble townhouse if needed to help a friend. Best friends sometimes move home(YAY). The Bachelor is an addiction, regardless of whether or not I can stand the man they chose. Cooking is therapeutic. I am a slight hoarder. I miss my family. I love snow. Ice can shut down a city. Prom dresses can change lives. I still need to start working out. Falling down can hurt long after your pride heals. You can accomplish great things if you stop listening to the "you can't do it voices" in your own head and listen to the encouraging words of others. Any movie with Leonardo DiCaprio in 2010 was awful. I cry at the drop off a hat when happy, sad, angry, etc... I will not watch another Paranormal Activity movie. My mom will try and sucker me in to every Paranormal Activity movie. Mom usually wins. Darn it. I have amazing people in my life. I have more than I deserve. I am committed to making my 32nd year the best it can be.